As thankful as I am for what I know God has done and is doing in my life, I've just realized recently more than ever how incredibly powerful and active He is. God isn't just a vague spirit who generally is shaping creation to meet the goals He has for it. He's active. Acting on the behalf of millions and billions of sinners who are working against Him. The persecuted God, acting on the behalf of the persecutors. And it's not just comfort or provision or little things. He's doing big stuff. He's working salvation and joy in our lives that we don't even see or understand. He's answering prayers in big ways, not just small or hard-to-see or gradual ways. I hope my telling you about God's wake-up-calls in my life will build your faith in prayer, too.
A few weeks ago William got a call that they'd found a tumor in his Papa's brain, probably malignant and probably a tumor that broke off from cancer elsewhere in his body. Shell-shocked, we prayed hard and got scared and sad and prayed more. The next day the doctors found that it was an abscess not a tumor. They did surgery and cleaned it and he's recovering. A big recovery process, but nothing compared to dealing with cancer. That's God. That's action.
The past month I made a commitment with myself that I would focus my prayers on my Papaw. Mom's Dad has always been funny, nice, and moral. But he's never obeyed the Gospel or even really shown interest. Sunday night I got a call that my Papaw, my healthy and 77 year old grandparent, had a massive stroke and wasn't going to make it. I prayed all night that he would have any time to wake up enough to decide to be spiritual before he passed on. Any time would make me feel better. Even if he didn't take advantage of it, I just want this to be something that caused him to recognize his situation. I know God's given him SO much time. Monday morning Mom said the doctor said he's woken up. Recognized people. Now he's moving his right AND left sides. Mumbling. Cried during a prayer. I mean, even if he doesn't make it, this has proved so much to me about God's patience, His awareness of our hurt and prayers, and His desire to give everyone as many chances as He can. That's amazing. I honestly believe God is giving Papaw time, and I honestly believe that if He can soften the hearts of people like Saul of Tarsus, He can soften James Bolen's heart too.
Thankful today that when sorrows like sea billows roll, I serve a God who can control the storm.
Thankful today that I serve a God who is waiting with open arms to welcome wayward servants.
Thankful today that God is opening my eyes to see His powerful responses to prayer.
Happy things:
Katie's birthday.
William is teaching a Calculus class this week because he's a genius.
William got a paper airplane doorstop.
I haven't gotten sick all semester.
New music suggestions from Katie.
Living in College Hall with Lauren and Caitlyn next year.
EmmaA comes in 11 days.
My Papaw is alive.
It's beautiful outside.
Flair pens.
I have quarters for laundry.
Google doc talks with my sisters.
Happy mail.
Juice boxes in my fridge.
Valentine's day.
Studying for history tests with Anamaniacs videos.
Sugar free Dark Chocolate Mocha iced coffee. #DD
USF library.
Tijuana Flats (hinthint)
-ELB
15.1.13
i've got a ticket for the long way 'round, the one with the prettiest of views.
It's 11:31 and I have 6 pages to write before I can go to sleep. I'm tired enough that I wrote "right" instead of "write" twice just trying to get that once sentence written. So I decided maybe it would be easier to face this paper if I make a list of some blessings I've felt today. Another avenue of procrastination, I suppose. But a valuable one.
Reasons I'm joyful:
-Jose gave me a large coffee and a croissant just now for $1.06.
-I got to study at Starbucks with some of my favorite people tonight.
-I'm writing a paper on a story that I think is totally awesome.
-My best friend EmmaA comes in 27 days.
-I have 2 beautiful nieces and a nephew who will be here soon.
-My Christmas tree lights up my room. Still. NEVER TAKIN' IT DOWN.
-Downton Abbey online.
-Useful sermons.
-Powerful writers.
-Classes I love.
-My boyfriend is...incredible. Understanding. Wise. Thoughtful. Fun.
-I live with Katie. Makes me laugh every day.
-I get to worship God with almost all of my best friends sitting within 2 feet of me every morning.
-Lovely weather.
-Columbia jacket.
-Bagels in the cafeteria.
-New babysitting job to provide.
-Dear, dear, dear friends insisting on buying me gas because they heard I was out and struggling.
-Hugs from my little brother.
-Cheap banquet dress.
-Visits from my Sarah Nale. #SpringQueen2011
-Godly teachers and friends.
-Down comforter.
-Pictures of loved ones on my wall.
-Get to pick Danae up for class in the morning.
-Juice Plus.
-Sugar free diet giving me hope of being healthier.
-Prayers with Wm.
-Achieving Bible study goals for this month.
-Laundry quarters from my Mom.
God is just so good, and there's no reason to fret.
These are the days to hold on to.
-E
Reasons I'm joyful:
-Jose gave me a large coffee and a croissant just now for $1.06.
-I got to study at Starbucks with some of my favorite people tonight.
-I'm writing a paper on a story that I think is totally awesome.
-My best friend EmmaA comes in 27 days.
-I have 2 beautiful nieces and a nephew who will be here soon.
-My Christmas tree lights up my room. Still. NEVER TAKIN' IT DOWN.
-Downton Abbey online.
-Useful sermons.
-Powerful writers.
-Classes I love.
-My boyfriend is...incredible. Understanding. Wise. Thoughtful. Fun.
-I live with Katie. Makes me laugh every day.
-I get to worship God with almost all of my best friends sitting within 2 feet of me every morning.
-Lovely weather.
-Columbia jacket.
-Bagels in the cafeteria.
-New babysitting job to provide.
-Dear, dear, dear friends insisting on buying me gas because they heard I was out and struggling.
-Hugs from my little brother.
-Cheap banquet dress.
-Visits from my Sarah Nale. #SpringQueen2011
-Godly teachers and friends.
-Down comforter.
-Pictures of loved ones on my wall.
-Get to pick Danae up for class in the morning.
-Juice Plus.
-Sugar free diet giving me hope of being healthier.
-Prayers with Wm.
-Achieving Bible study goals for this month.
-Laundry quarters from my Mom.
God is just so good, and there's no reason to fret.
These are the days to hold on to.
-E
30.11.12
Merry Christmas, Kwanzaa, Happy Hanukkah!
I'm sitting here thinking about how I should update this blog and realizing I have no idea what I'm about to write. My favorite thing about EmmA's blog is that she always has these funny or deep stories to write about (I'm not speaking in 3rd person here) -- but I'm sure you're all (the 3 of you who read this) used to my ramblings anyway.
I may throw in a periodic Christian pick-up line just to make this interesting.
Thanksgiving was good. It was the first Thanksgiving we've had without Joseph, Micah, OR Benjamin, which was kind of sad. Also peaceful. heh. But I missed them, especially when we would have had a singing as a family on Thanksgiving and when I was creaming Jesse in Halo. #right Thanksgiving also always makes me miss Mamaw and fighting with her over whether or not she should be helping in the kitchen. And we missed our annual Thanksgiving night singing with the Broadwells again this year. 2 sad years in a row without them in FL. Not okay. But the holiday was good and relaxing. I think I am finally almost well from my pneumonia (my slight cold), and I only have one paper and one presentation and 3 test in between me and finals. And then I just have finals and packing before I get to go to my favorite place on earth (PA) to be with my favorite people on earth (my family.) So excited, so blessed.
A few things that the break reminded me to be thankful for:
A. My hardworking, uncomplaining Mom. She had neck surgery and gets tired and experiences pain every day, and even though she had to lie down some or ice her neck a few times a day, she never complained. Despite the fact that she kept milking it and making me lift things for her and traipse all over the house to do things for her, (Okay I really just like making a big deal out of that) she cooked, cleaned, laughed, talked, and took care of me all week cheerfully. Love my Mel.
2. Grandparents. Losing Mamaw reminded me that even in the frustrating or tiring times, every minute spent with my Grandparents is valuable, and I'm grateful that Grandma and Grandpa are local for me to learn from and get lots of hugs and jokes from. :)
D. My Dad. I always loved and respected my Daddy, but I've learned so much the past few years about how incredible it is to have such a faithful, wise, selfless, loving, funny, strong Dad. Despite the shoveling of eggs every Sunday morning and the braided belt tradition of my youth, I have learned that my wonderful family is a blessing that even most Christians don't have to grow up with. Thankful for his public and private leadership, and his example of hard-work and his patience and selflessness with money to take care of his kids (me).
4. Jesse. This kid is great. Irritating sometimes, yes. But it's humbling to see how much he's grown spiritually. From hearing him lead heartfelt and powerful prayers in services, to seeing his tender heart and conscience at work every day, I am honored to be able to learn from my little brother and his grown-up example.
Other blessings: great older brothers, incredible sisters, nieces and nephews, great church family, food, shelter, Disney world, happy mail, coffee, William, Christmas lights, Andy Cantrell sermons, the story of Hosea, ReepiJeep, Dr. Crispell, coffee dates with Alli, encouragement from JP, FB chats with Emma, every second with KT, skype with Lauren and Gwen, laughter, Isaiah, and hugs.
Oh right. Christian Pick-up lines.
"Hey girl, I was just reading through the book of Numbers and realized I don't have yours...."
"Hey girl, If I walk around you 7 times will you fall for me?"
"Hey girl, you make me feel like Samson with his hair cut off, weak at the knees."
"Hey girl, you're like manna from Heaven, fresh every day."
"Hey girl, yeah, I don't like the new NIV either...."
"Hey girl, I hear you're looking for a knight in shining armor, I'm wearing the full armor of God."
So ready to finish my tests and go to Pennsylvania and be with my family for a week. Cannot even explain how excited I am about that. BUT, today I'm going to Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party with my dearest FL friends, tomorrow I'm eating breakfast at the Hammy family's #GrubClub #newmember And I'm so grateful for these last couple weeks of the semester with so many good people and opportunities around me.
God is so good. :)
Love.
ELB
I may throw in a periodic Christian pick-up line just to make this interesting.
Thanksgiving was good. It was the first Thanksgiving we've had without Joseph, Micah, OR Benjamin, which was kind of sad. Also peaceful. heh. But I missed them, especially when we would have had a singing as a family on Thanksgiving and when I was creaming Jesse in Halo. #right Thanksgiving also always makes me miss Mamaw and fighting with her over whether or not she should be helping in the kitchen. And we missed our annual Thanksgiving night singing with the Broadwells again this year. 2 sad years in a row without them in FL. Not okay. But the holiday was good and relaxing. I think I am finally almost well from my pneumonia (my slight cold), and I only have one paper and one presentation and 3 test in between me and finals. And then I just have finals and packing before I get to go to my favorite place on earth (PA) to be with my favorite people on earth (my family.) So excited, so blessed.
A few things that the break reminded me to be thankful for:
A. My hardworking, uncomplaining Mom. She had neck surgery and gets tired and experiences pain every day, and even though she had to lie down some or ice her neck a few times a day, she never complained. Despite the fact that she kept milking it and making me lift things for her and traipse all over the house to do things for her, (Okay I really just like making a big deal out of that) she cooked, cleaned, laughed, talked, and took care of me all week cheerfully. Love my Mel.
2. Grandparents. Losing Mamaw reminded me that even in the frustrating or tiring times, every minute spent with my Grandparents is valuable, and I'm grateful that Grandma and Grandpa are local for me to learn from and get lots of hugs and jokes from. :)
D. My Dad. I always loved and respected my Daddy, but I've learned so much the past few years about how incredible it is to have such a faithful, wise, selfless, loving, funny, strong Dad. Despite the shoveling of eggs every Sunday morning and the braided belt tradition of my youth, I have learned that my wonderful family is a blessing that even most Christians don't have to grow up with. Thankful for his public and private leadership, and his example of hard-work and his patience and selflessness with money to take care of his kids (me).
4. Jesse. This kid is great. Irritating sometimes, yes. But it's humbling to see how much he's grown spiritually. From hearing him lead heartfelt and powerful prayers in services, to seeing his tender heart and conscience at work every day, I am honored to be able to learn from my little brother and his grown-up example.
Other blessings: great older brothers, incredible sisters, nieces and nephews, great church family, food, shelter, Disney world, happy mail, coffee, William, Christmas lights, Andy Cantrell sermons, the story of Hosea, ReepiJeep, Dr. Crispell, coffee dates with Alli, encouragement from JP, FB chats with Emma, every second with KT, skype with Lauren and Gwen, laughter, Isaiah, and hugs.
Oh right. Christian Pick-up lines.
"Hey girl, I was just reading through the book of Numbers and realized I don't have yours...."
"Hey girl, If I walk around you 7 times will you fall for me?"
"Hey girl, you make me feel like Samson with his hair cut off, weak at the knees."
"Hey girl, you're like manna from Heaven, fresh every day."
"Hey girl, yeah, I don't like the new NIV either...."
"Hey girl, I hear you're looking for a knight in shining armor, I'm wearing the full armor of God."
So ready to finish my tests and go to Pennsylvania and be with my family for a week. Cannot even explain how excited I am about that. BUT, today I'm going to Mickey's Very Merry Christmas Party with my dearest FL friends, tomorrow I'm eating breakfast at the Hammy family's #GrubClub #newmember And I'm so grateful for these last couple weeks of the semester with so many good people and opportunities around me.
God is so good. :)
Love.
ELB
8.11.12
for you i'd wait.
I always felt bad for the Baudelaire children in the Series of Unfortunate Events books. As the title might suggest, they went through a series of unfortunate events. A phrase which here means something to the effect of: "their parents died, their house burned down, a mad money-grubbing man with a gross unibrow came after them for years, and they interacted with countless idiotic people who trusted said madman and ruined everything about the children's lives that wasn't already ruined." While I as the reader pitied them and felt bad that they had such "unfortunate" lives, I also am fully aware that I have been through dramatically worse things than what they went through. They got nothing on me this week. Yesterday I got a red-light camera traffic ticket in the mail and today I babysat teething twins for hours and then accidentally threw away the money I got paid in my haste to get to class. THAT, my friends, is a real series of unfortunate events.
Okay. Just kidding. I mostly wanted to compare that so that I would stop feeling sorry for myself.
But when I was digging through the trash outside of the Student Center desperately looking for the $20.00 bill that I hoped was still in there and safe/sanitary in the plastic bag I left it in, I realized how appropriate of a microcosm of my life this situation was. I messed up, ran a red light, had to pay most of my savings for it, and was furious with myself. Therefore when I got a spur-of-the-moment opportunity to babysit this morning, I saw it as providence and realized that I could make a little of that money back and God was supplying my need. I put in the effort, got paid, and then literally THREW that provision away. Almost immediately. How often do I do that on a bigger scale? So many times I mess up, God fixes my mistakes or shows me how to fix them, I put in a little effort and then just give up or throw away the opportunities God gives me because I don't really put enough value in them to protect them or work harder to maintain them. Whether that's Bible study, friendships, relationships, school...I throw away things much bigger and of much more value than $20.00 bills frequently. Sometimes I'm not ready to take the "babysitting job" God gives me. Or I pick school over that opportunity. Or I just don't realize I need anything so I don't see the need to put effort in. Sometimes I just lose sight of the money hiding in the pile of trash in my front seat because I didn't realize its value enough or appreciate the blessing enough to put it in a safe place. I pass up opportunities and gifts because they get lost in all the garbage.
So, today, after I realized what I'd done and cried a little about it, I decided to dig through the trash just to make sure there was no way I could retrieve that $20.00. That took some humility. I'd be embarrassed for Falcon kids to pull up to the Student Center and see this random girl with a nametag digging through the garbage for Subway bags. "Wow, FC kids must be REALLY poor...."But hey, it was worth it. Because I can use that money for Disney or banquet week -- things that will make digging through the trash TOTALLY worth it. I've had to do this several times lately. Begging teachers to forgive my frequent missing-of-classes, friends to have patience with my bad communication skills, having to humble myself to dig through the garbage once I realize the value of the chances God's given me.
That's where I am today. Looking at the things I've passed up and realizing sometimes you just have to grovel to get back on your feet. Sometimes you mess up, God provides, and you just have to put some effort in to move forwards. I'm willing to dig through the trash to find the $20.00. I'm putting in the work to take advantage of this amazing life God's given me. And I'm praying that I won't throw any more 20's away.
I found the money, by the way. Literally and figuratively.
God is good.
-ELB
Okay. Just kidding. I mostly wanted to compare that so that I would stop feeling sorry for myself.
But when I was digging through the trash outside of the Student Center desperately looking for the $20.00 bill that I hoped was still in there and safe/sanitary in the plastic bag I left it in, I realized how appropriate of a microcosm of my life this situation was. I messed up, ran a red light, had to pay most of my savings for it, and was furious with myself. Therefore when I got a spur-of-the-moment opportunity to babysit this morning, I saw it as providence and realized that I could make a little of that money back and God was supplying my need. I put in the effort, got paid, and then literally THREW that provision away. Almost immediately. How often do I do that on a bigger scale? So many times I mess up, God fixes my mistakes or shows me how to fix them, I put in a little effort and then just give up or throw away the opportunities God gives me because I don't really put enough value in them to protect them or work harder to maintain them. Whether that's Bible study, friendships, relationships, school...I throw away things much bigger and of much more value than $20.00 bills frequently. Sometimes I'm not ready to take the "babysitting job" God gives me. Or I pick school over that opportunity. Or I just don't realize I need anything so I don't see the need to put effort in. Sometimes I just lose sight of the money hiding in the pile of trash in my front seat because I didn't realize its value enough or appreciate the blessing enough to put it in a safe place. I pass up opportunities and gifts because they get lost in all the garbage.
So, today, after I realized what I'd done and cried a little about it, I decided to dig through the trash just to make sure there was no way I could retrieve that $20.00. That took some humility. I'd be embarrassed for Falcon kids to pull up to the Student Center and see this random girl with a nametag digging through the garbage for Subway bags. "Wow, FC kids must be REALLY poor...."But hey, it was worth it. Because I can use that money for Disney or banquet week -- things that will make digging through the trash TOTALLY worth it. I've had to do this several times lately. Begging teachers to forgive my frequent missing-of-classes, friends to have patience with my bad communication skills, having to humble myself to dig through the garbage once I realize the value of the chances God's given me.
That's where I am today. Looking at the things I've passed up and realizing sometimes you just have to grovel to get back on your feet. Sometimes you mess up, God provides, and you just have to put some effort in to move forwards. I'm willing to dig through the trash to find the $20.00. I'm putting in the work to take advantage of this amazing life God's given me. And I'm praying that I won't throw any more 20's away.
I found the money, by the way. Literally and figuratively.
God is good.
-ELB
29.10.12
it is time to build.
Every time I go to church (or my doctor, which seems to be almost as frequent of late) I drive by a huge building on the USF campus that has been under construction. Well, not really construction. What was a huge dormitory only a couple of weeks ago has been completely demolished over the past couple of weeks. It's amazing to me to realize how quickly and completely that massive building has been completely reduced to dust, and how every time I drive by there's dramatically less of the building to see. I started thinking yesterday about how easy it is to demolish that huge building, and how quickly and efficiently it can be done, in comparison to the time and planning and effort it takes to build or rebuild something like that.
In a lot of ways I see this in my life. I can build up this great habit or spiritual focus, and Satan can completely demolish what I've built in one fell swoop. I've seen it happen. Multiple times. I'm kind of at the point today where I look around and see ground zero, the result of Satan's demolition project, and am overwhelmed with all the planning and effort that I'm going to have to do in order to build something safe to live in. Maybe if I had done a better job the first time or had worked more in the maintenance of my spiritual building, Satan wouldn't have been able to tear me down so easily. But that's in the past. What I can do now is look ahead, asking the chief Architect for help in designing my life.
Our lesson last night at Lutz was on Nehemiah -- so well timed. Here are a few lessons I learned from Dr. Petty on Nehemiah that I want to put to use in my building project:
The Mind of a Builder:
1. Builders take responsibility.
--One of the most amazing things about Nehemiah in my mind is that he has never even been to Jerusalem, grew up in exile, probably quite comfortably, and yet he is completely devastated to hear of the state of Jerusalem. He even takes personal responsibility for the punishment of the people, saying "Even I and my father's house have sinned." He still recognizes his failings and the connection he should have with his true home in Jerusalem even though he hasn't seen it. Do I care this much about my true Home? Do my sins cause me to weep because they're destroying my building or my hope of a better Home? If I don't take responsibility for the ruins in my life, who will?
2. Builders go to God for guidance.
--Nehemiah consistently prays before acting, realizing the value of God's opinion. If I'm going to rebuild my life, doesn't it make sense to ask the Designer of my life for help?
3. Builders have to be willing to sacrifice.
--Nehemiah gave up a comfortable and privileged job, even a relationship with the king, to go to a dangerous environment in which he is giving everything up to lead the people. If I'm going to build something worth having, I'll have to give some things up.
4. Builders must have patience.
--Nehemiah waits for answers from God and God's timing, as well as working hard over a long period of time on the wall, having to deal with persecution and mockery and danger. If I'm going to rebuild my life, I have to put in the time and effort--it won't happen in a day.
Like Nehemiah and the people of Israel, I'm realizing the value of rebuilding the walls around my heart. I'm realizing the importance of a firm foundation. I'm realizing it'll take time to plan and build a wall that Satan can't knock down in a moment. I'm realizing sometimes I'll have to hold a sword in one hand and a hammer in the other, that I'll have to build and fight at the same time. I'm realizing it's time to rise up and build. I have a mind to work.
Pray for me, I'll pray for you. God is good.
-ELB
Happy things: chilly weather, mattress pads, asking day, Lutz, my best friends, DD, a new week, air fresheners, yogurt covered raisins, reading John with Lauren H, Revelation with Kate.
In a lot of ways I see this in my life. I can build up this great habit or spiritual focus, and Satan can completely demolish what I've built in one fell swoop. I've seen it happen. Multiple times. I'm kind of at the point today where I look around and see ground zero, the result of Satan's demolition project, and am overwhelmed with all the planning and effort that I'm going to have to do in order to build something safe to live in. Maybe if I had done a better job the first time or had worked more in the maintenance of my spiritual building, Satan wouldn't have been able to tear me down so easily. But that's in the past. What I can do now is look ahead, asking the chief Architect for help in designing my life.
Our lesson last night at Lutz was on Nehemiah -- so well timed. Here are a few lessons I learned from Dr. Petty on Nehemiah that I want to put to use in my building project:
The Mind of a Builder:
1. Builders take responsibility.
--One of the most amazing things about Nehemiah in my mind is that he has never even been to Jerusalem, grew up in exile, probably quite comfortably, and yet he is completely devastated to hear of the state of Jerusalem. He even takes personal responsibility for the punishment of the people, saying "Even I and my father's house have sinned." He still recognizes his failings and the connection he should have with his true home in Jerusalem even though he hasn't seen it. Do I care this much about my true Home? Do my sins cause me to weep because they're destroying my building or my hope of a better Home? If I don't take responsibility for the ruins in my life, who will?
2. Builders go to God for guidance.
--Nehemiah consistently prays before acting, realizing the value of God's opinion. If I'm going to rebuild my life, doesn't it make sense to ask the Designer of my life for help?
3. Builders have to be willing to sacrifice.
--Nehemiah gave up a comfortable and privileged job, even a relationship with the king, to go to a dangerous environment in which he is giving everything up to lead the people. If I'm going to build something worth having, I'll have to give some things up.
4. Builders must have patience.
--Nehemiah waits for answers from God and God's timing, as well as working hard over a long period of time on the wall, having to deal with persecution and mockery and danger. If I'm going to rebuild my life, I have to put in the time and effort--it won't happen in a day.
Like Nehemiah and the people of Israel, I'm realizing the value of rebuilding the walls around my heart. I'm realizing the importance of a firm foundation. I'm realizing it'll take time to plan and build a wall that Satan can't knock down in a moment. I'm realizing sometimes I'll have to hold a sword in one hand and a hammer in the other, that I'll have to build and fight at the same time. I'm realizing it's time to rise up and build. I have a mind to work.
Pray for me, I'll pray for you. God is good.
-ELB
Happy things: chilly weather, mattress pads, asking day, Lutz, my best friends, DD, a new week, air fresheners, yogurt covered raisins, reading John with Lauren H, Revelation with Kate.
12.10.12
welcome to the new age
It's amazing how God can work incredible change in the weakest people. That's the theme of my year so far. I'll be honest, I have no idea where my life is going or what my future holds or even what next week holds for me. But I think God is working incredible change in me. I know He is. I pray that I allow it and foster it and use it. Because I'm learning in tiny ways that even in the most uncertain days, joy and peace can be found. Even in the most confusing times, God is constant.
Obviously these are things I've heard, read, and even said over and over. God is faithful, God can change us, God can use the weakest people. But maybe before this year I never really admitted to myself that I was one of those weak ones. That I needed God's dramatic change. I'm pretty ready to admit that now. We've been studying in Exodus about how God can use unpromising people and work a great purpose. That's a pretty basic theme through the whole Bible, especially Genesis, Exodus, and Luke. But let's be real, we're all pretty unpromising from the perspective of a holy God. We're all pretty marred and selfish and lost and emotionally unstable in comparison to our clean, pure, loving, and completely stable Creator. I guess this is all comforting because I feel pretty Moses-ish sometimes. I think I'm put in situations where I should be able to do a lot of good, but I tend to respond with a "No, I think You picked the wrong person, I'm not eloquent, and they won't listen to me." Instead of "Speak, Lord, Your servant hears." I think God has to bring us down to rock bottom sometimes to show us what He can do in our lives, and to show us that even when chaos swirls around us (Coldplay wording) He is always going to be constant. That's my year.
A few vague and random tidbits from the past few months: (this is to describe my "rock bottom," not to complain.) Consistant illness, struggles with anxiety and discouragement, best friend moving to CA, faux cousin/real mentor moving to OK, lots of doctors visits, medication changes, passing out, more doctors visits, more doctors visits, break-ups, confusion, changes, upper-D, lots of money stress....
All of these are small. All of these are selfish. All of these are things that don't need to have any effect on my soul. And yet sometimes all the little grains of sand start looking like mountains. Especially when you're me and panic about things. I'll be the first to admit I am dramatic and let myself worry far too much over silliness. I'll be the first to admit that's been crippling in the past year+ for me. I'll also be the first to admit that I'm grateful for struggles like that, because I am learning that all these little grains of sand in my mountains allow me to see God's hand and allow me to empathize with other people and their grains of sand.
I've been cheerier lately. Which I'm grateful for. And I don't say that to toot my own horn. (Mostly just wanted to use the word toot.) There are lots of contributing factors, all of which are blessings from God. Friends who I can pray with, talk to, and count on. (Katie, Adam, William, Erica, Emma, Drew, Danae, Alli, Ashlyn, etc.) A peaceful and comforting room and suite. Mattress pads. (That's not a joke. I love sleep.) Medication that doesn't make me break out in hives. Visits from family members (Gwen and Lauren and Joe can pretty much cheer anyone up.) Hugs from my Dad. Benevolence from unexpected places at the perfect time. Useful and enjoyable classes. Dr. Crispell and his patience and mentoring. My flexible job and his kindness when I'm at the doctor instead of at work half of the time. My Mom who has done my laundry, cleaned my room, driven me to countless appointments, bought me food, let me cry, and prayed for me countless times in the past few weeks.
Really, I can't express how blessed I am. I think that's why even though today was long and I felt bad and got another negative doctor's report, I feel so happy as I get ready to go to sleep. I'll be honest, today was one of the more challenging ones I've had lately. And I definitely had some tears and some panic. Cardiologists and neurologists are just scary words, you know? But let's be real: I'm so blessed and comfortable. I mean, even last week when I literally didn't have a dollar to my name, I didn't have to worry for a second about starving. Because without paying a dollar out of pocket I can go to the cafeteria and eat 3x a day. That puts things in perspective. And even when I am in pain or scared about health situations that I don't really understand, I am sleeping in a comfortable dorm every night and have the resources to go to doctors and get help. And a Mom who wants to help. And even when life is confusing and I don't know what to do with my future, I know that some day I am going to die and really all that matters is that today I decide to be grateful for what I have and serve God with it. #sorryfortherunonsentences
I guess this post is just meant to be a spilling out of gratitude. Because I know that to those of you who know me best, I vent more about fears and sadness and ills than I do about blessings. When really, even if my life was like Job's, I would still have more than I deserved.
I'm so happy to be learning contentment. I still have a long way to go. I've always been able to find blessings when I really tried, and have been able to see how they outweighed my trials, but I think I'm learning to really feel that and remember it more regularly. And I'm grateful that I am feeling it. The more I'm consumed with my struggles, the less I can be consumed with helping other people deal with their struggles. And that's what I want to be consumed with. Serving. So please keep me accountable, friends. I need that.
Blessings today: Beautiful weather, Dunkin with Erica, praying with 500 fellow Christians in chapel, a phone call from Drew, hugs from my Aunt, free laundry, Katie and Beau offering to run a late-night errand for me, hugs and comfort from my Daddy, texts from Emma and William and Bethany, Chipotle, getting to watch the Cardinal's game at the Crispells', Dunkin with Adam, and time to sit in my car and pray. That's quite a list.
Grateful for a unique time in my life and place where I can learn from others every day and how they use their gifts. Grateful for the chance I have to see their selflessness at work in my life and in the lives of others. Grateful for God's comfort and calming. Grateful for challenges that make us stronger.
I'm grateful for the things I can't understand. I'm grateful for the things I won't understand. I'm thankful that God has the world in His hands and doesn't require me to know what's ahead. I'm grateful that as I grow nearer to Him, He shows me more of His goodness.
It's kind of cool how just like trials can be wake-up calls to bring you closer to God, blessings can be too. Because just like I want to have God when I'm struggling, and get anxious to have His help, His provision and unexpected abundance just reminds me in new ways how amazing it is that even when I let myself drift, He is taking constant care of me. He is so good, come what may.
Things may get harder, I may lose this perspective tomorrow, but tonight I'm thankful for today. I'm thankful for all that God is teaching me through these uncertainties and confusions and fears. I'm grateful for happiness.
---------
On a lighter note:
Where do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream.
What do you call someone with no body and a nose? Nobody knows.
Oh yeah, and if you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
Peace.Love.Shoes.
-ELB
Obviously these are things I've heard, read, and even said over and over. God is faithful, God can change us, God can use the weakest people. But maybe before this year I never really admitted to myself that I was one of those weak ones. That I needed God's dramatic change. I'm pretty ready to admit that now. We've been studying in Exodus about how God can use unpromising people and work a great purpose. That's a pretty basic theme through the whole Bible, especially Genesis, Exodus, and Luke. But let's be real, we're all pretty unpromising from the perspective of a holy God. We're all pretty marred and selfish and lost and emotionally unstable in comparison to our clean, pure, loving, and completely stable Creator. I guess this is all comforting because I feel pretty Moses-ish sometimes. I think I'm put in situations where I should be able to do a lot of good, but I tend to respond with a "No, I think You picked the wrong person, I'm not eloquent, and they won't listen to me." Instead of "Speak, Lord, Your servant hears." I think God has to bring us down to rock bottom sometimes to show us what He can do in our lives, and to show us that even when chaos swirls around us (Coldplay wording) He is always going to be constant. That's my year.
A few vague and random tidbits from the past few months: (this is to describe my "rock bottom," not to complain.) Consistant illness, struggles with anxiety and discouragement, best friend moving to CA, faux cousin/real mentor moving to OK, lots of doctors visits, medication changes, passing out, more doctors visits, more doctors visits, break-ups, confusion, changes, upper-D, lots of money stress....
All of these are small. All of these are selfish. All of these are things that don't need to have any effect on my soul. And yet sometimes all the little grains of sand start looking like mountains. Especially when you're me and panic about things. I'll be the first to admit I am dramatic and let myself worry far too much over silliness. I'll be the first to admit that's been crippling in the past year+ for me. I'll also be the first to admit that I'm grateful for struggles like that, because I am learning that all these little grains of sand in my mountains allow me to see God's hand and allow me to empathize with other people and their grains of sand.
I've been cheerier lately. Which I'm grateful for. And I don't say that to toot my own horn. (Mostly just wanted to use the word toot.) There are lots of contributing factors, all of which are blessings from God. Friends who I can pray with, talk to, and count on. (Katie, Adam, William, Erica, Emma, Drew, Danae, Alli, Ashlyn, etc.) A peaceful and comforting room and suite. Mattress pads. (That's not a joke. I love sleep.) Medication that doesn't make me break out in hives. Visits from family members (Gwen and Lauren and Joe can pretty much cheer anyone up.) Hugs from my Dad. Benevolence from unexpected places at the perfect time. Useful and enjoyable classes. Dr. Crispell and his patience and mentoring. My flexible job and his kindness when I'm at the doctor instead of at work half of the time. My Mom who has done my laundry, cleaned my room, driven me to countless appointments, bought me food, let me cry, and prayed for me countless times in the past few weeks.
Really, I can't express how blessed I am. I think that's why even though today was long and I felt bad and got another negative doctor's report, I feel so happy as I get ready to go to sleep. I'll be honest, today was one of the more challenging ones I've had lately. And I definitely had some tears and some panic. Cardiologists and neurologists are just scary words, you know? But let's be real: I'm so blessed and comfortable. I mean, even last week when I literally didn't have a dollar to my name, I didn't have to worry for a second about starving. Because without paying a dollar out of pocket I can go to the cafeteria and eat 3x a day. That puts things in perspective. And even when I am in pain or scared about health situations that I don't really understand, I am sleeping in a comfortable dorm every night and have the resources to go to doctors and get help. And a Mom who wants to help. And even when life is confusing and I don't know what to do with my future, I know that some day I am going to die and really all that matters is that today I decide to be grateful for what I have and serve God with it. #sorryfortherunonsentences
I guess this post is just meant to be a spilling out of gratitude. Because I know that to those of you who know me best, I vent more about fears and sadness and ills than I do about blessings. When really, even if my life was like Job's, I would still have more than I deserved.
I'm so happy to be learning contentment. I still have a long way to go. I've always been able to find blessings when I really tried, and have been able to see how they outweighed my trials, but I think I'm learning to really feel that and remember it more regularly. And I'm grateful that I am feeling it. The more I'm consumed with my struggles, the less I can be consumed with helping other people deal with their struggles. And that's what I want to be consumed with. Serving. So please keep me accountable, friends. I need that.
Blessings today: Beautiful weather, Dunkin with Erica, praying with 500 fellow Christians in chapel, a phone call from Drew, hugs from my Aunt, free laundry, Katie and Beau offering to run a late-night errand for me, hugs and comfort from my Daddy, texts from Emma and William and Bethany, Chipotle, getting to watch the Cardinal's game at the Crispells', Dunkin with Adam, and time to sit in my car and pray. That's quite a list.
Grateful for a unique time in my life and place where I can learn from others every day and how they use their gifts. Grateful for the chance I have to see their selflessness at work in my life and in the lives of others. Grateful for God's comfort and calming. Grateful for challenges that make us stronger.
I'm grateful for the things I can't understand. I'm grateful for the things I won't understand. I'm thankful that God has the world in His hands and doesn't require me to know what's ahead. I'm grateful that as I grow nearer to Him, He shows me more of His goodness.
It's kind of cool how just like trials can be wake-up calls to bring you closer to God, blessings can be too. Because just like I want to have God when I'm struggling, and get anxious to have His help, His provision and unexpected abundance just reminds me in new ways how amazing it is that even when I let myself drift, He is taking constant care of me. He is so good, come what may.
Things may get harder, I may lose this perspective tomorrow, but tonight I'm thankful for today. I'm thankful for all that God is teaching me through these uncertainties and confusions and fears. I'm grateful for happiness.
---------
On a lighter note:
Where do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream.
What do you call someone with no body and a nose? Nobody knows.
Oh yeah, and if you can think of a better fish pun, let minnow.
Peace.Love.Shoes.
-ELB
6.9.12
you get lost, you can always be found.
Just sitting in Dr. Crispell's office, finished copying papers for him and now I'm reading about American History internships in DC and listening to Drake Pledger discuss World War paper topics while he spins his grey Civil War soldier cap in his hands and Dr. Crispell sits twirling his spectacles. I'm grateful for this job, this office, the Rachmaninoff music that plays softly in the background while I work every day, the coffee, the mentoring from Dr. C, etc. I know I'm in the right place when I sit in here and get to do research on American History from Dr. C's extensive book collection and get paid for it.
My semester so far. (Sorry, Emma, if I double up on anything you're going to read next week when you get the letter I'm writing you in my free time.) My classes are so good. I am only taking 12 hours, which is lovely because I'm in classes fewer hours during the week. Classes are demanding but very useful and interesting. Job has been so powerful even just in the first 2 weeks (Mr. Peeler), Personal Finance is shockingly interesting. Who knew what mutual funds and stocks and bonds did? Not me.
Living with Katie is amazing. It's great having my own room for my grumpy and unsocial moments (which are, by the way, less and less frequent) but we have already had so many good talks and singing with her or talking to her about God lights up every day. So grateful for our homey and cheerful suite. Living on 4th floor is the best (QUIET and sleep-conducive.)
Yes, I've already managed to get sick enough for anti-biotics. But hey, what's new. I've also gotten to see Joe and Lauren and Gwen already this semester and I'll get to spend more time with them in the next few weeks which is very exciting and unusual. I'm researching internships in Washington D.C. for the summer.... :)
Happy prospects for the upcoming year: watching the next Zeta generation flourish and become best friends. Finishing my first semester of history paper presentations and not failing (hopefully). The leadership dinner with Ben Carson. Meeting my NEPHEW Andy and my NIECE Bella :) Becoming even closer to the teachers and friends around me who have already taught me so much about love and God and laughter. Letters to and from Emma A. and Ashley and Hannah G and Kathryn B. I love pen-pals.
Counting blessings. There are still things that worry me, questions I need to answer, things I don't understand, and heartaches. But God has been so good to put me in this place and give me a time of preparation.
Love.
ELB
My semester so far. (Sorry, Emma, if I double up on anything you're going to read next week when you get the letter I'm writing you in my free time.) My classes are so good. I am only taking 12 hours, which is lovely because I'm in classes fewer hours during the week. Classes are demanding but very useful and interesting. Job has been so powerful even just in the first 2 weeks (Mr. Peeler), Personal Finance is shockingly interesting. Who knew what mutual funds and stocks and bonds did? Not me.
Living with Katie is amazing. It's great having my own room for my grumpy and unsocial moments (which are, by the way, less and less frequent) but we have already had so many good talks and singing with her or talking to her about God lights up every day. So grateful for our homey and cheerful suite. Living on 4th floor is the best (QUIET and sleep-conducive.)
Yes, I've already managed to get sick enough for anti-biotics. But hey, what's new. I've also gotten to see Joe and Lauren and Gwen already this semester and I'll get to spend more time with them in the next few weeks which is very exciting and unusual. I'm researching internships in Washington D.C. for the summer.... :)
Happy prospects for the upcoming year: watching the next Zeta generation flourish and become best friends. Finishing my first semester of history paper presentations and not failing (hopefully). The leadership dinner with Ben Carson. Meeting my NEPHEW Andy and my NIECE Bella :) Becoming even closer to the teachers and friends around me who have already taught me so much about love and God and laughter. Letters to and from Emma A. and Ashley and Hannah G and Kathryn B. I love pen-pals.
Counting blessings. There are still things that worry me, questions I need to answer, things I don't understand, and heartaches. But God has been so good to put me in this place and give me a time of preparation.
Love.
ELB
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